Que sera, sera

Breathe.

One day I will forget the pain and confusion. The pain that made me agree to go to a spa (spa??) over christmas, and book a flight to Hong Kong on a whim to spend a long New Year's weekend, just because I am afraid of being alone. Alone and depressed with my pain and confusion. I want to be in a crowd which will drown out the noise within.

What will be, will be. I must remember that. Hold on to that. Hold on just another month, when I will know the outcome. The outcome that will be immutable, that will determine the next course of my life. And then it will be fixed. I will have to accept it. I will know the answer to my anguished question: Am I making the right choice? Am I making the right decision?

I am in turmoil, I feel like a a rabid hyperactive hamster on steroids, running maniacally round and round a crazy wheel.

I run through all the possibilities in my mind, cover every base and angle: what if this is the case, what if i don't get this info, should i do this or that? this action will imply that outcome, but that action will imply another equally hopeless outcome. and underneath it all lies the urgency-motivated by what? i don't know even know what outcome i really want deep inside. i am like captain jack sparrow with that compass of dreams. my compass needle is spinning wildly this way and that and i am a turbulent sea of emotions inside.

On one hand, officially wanting to go to NY - lobbying every possible person, trying every tack and angle to position myself for a rotation to NY-motivated by what? guilt? that i know that career-wise it makes sense to go to NY, at the expense of my happiness. short term pain (and i know all the downsides) will beget long term gains. and yet i was willing to give it all up for a boy. so now i'm trying to go beyond the call of duty, to do all i can to try to get to NY, just so that if i don't get to go, i can say with a clear conscience: I've tried my best. i wasn't trying to sabotage my career. i wasn't being emotional and letting my life be decided by a man. although, on the other hand, the thought of leaving, of going to NY hurts as well. i can't bear it, leaving him. daily, i am saying goodbye silently. i am in pain, not just from seeing him (so near yet so far), but also because i imagine leaving him and i want to remember everything, and i am grieving for all that might have come into being, that i will be losing. At the same time, i want to go to NY because i can't bear being so near him yet unable to be with him. A part of me doesn't even want to be in the same city as he.

So, do I even want to go to NY? For the right reasons? career-wise, yes it makes sense. and sans him, i would want to go despite the pain. But my over-zealous, almost extremist lobbying, is that motivated by my wish to go to NY, or by my guilt that deep down i don't really want to go?

but even so, i am strict with myself. in all my calculations and approaches, i take the objectively best path to NY. except there so many variables, so many unknowns, with scope for subjective decisions. i have even consulted cousin J and posed my conundrum to her, and she agreed that she sees my problem. my options are limited. and at the end of the day i have to make the final decision between a few scenarios and decide which i dislike least. when it boils down to that, it's difficult.

and the reality is, maybe it will not even come to having to make these decision, which are my alternative scenarios H or something, which will only occur if a set of conditions apply : scenario H= and(there is no info, there is no availability in team A in NY, there is no availability in team A in NY, Cave wants to enter a specific team in London) There are so many possibilities and problems at every branch of the potential 'game'... although the game could easily end if I get to go to NY. Then, I only to have my pain at leaving Cave to deal with, instead of hyperventilating at every possible outcome of this hydra-headed problem.

and the fact is... what the actual outcome will be is out of my hands, as long as i take the objectively 'best'/ most rational course of action in order to maximise my career outcome. which in theory i should. so there should be no flapping about with questions such as Am I making the right choice.

I am making the only choice i will allow myself. and who knows... maybe i won't get it. maybe i can't go to NY. and then of course there is a whole host of new problems. but if i do get to go...

in any case, it doesn't matter. i will know the outcome by mid jan. once i make my decision and submission, it is all out of my hands. i leave it to fate to decide. i leave it to the world.

there is nothing to worry abt. no more panic to experience. because once i know the outcome, i will have time enough to react, to feel. in the meanwhile, i must breathe. project into the future. and see, understand, truly, that there is nothing i can do, given that i can only make the objectively correct and rational choice, all else does not matter. what will be, will be.

not just in the outcome of my rotation. whether i stay or go. but also in between him and i. and in life. time will tell. i must hold on to that.